well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
