This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Randomize
