She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just invented taco cereal.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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