i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
