He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize