I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We need to get me chipped asap
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
