Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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