let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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