I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
