my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I want her autograph on my taint
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
