I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
