so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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