and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
