She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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