did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You ruined the universe
Randomize
