May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
