Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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