It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
