She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
