I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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