he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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