I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
