I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
