When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize