You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize