i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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