i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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