We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
