Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize
