Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
