I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
