Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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