she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize