But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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