Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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