pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i wish my penis had a tongue
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
