I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
