Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
