if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
