It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We are all done wearing pants today
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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