hotel room ftw
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
