this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
