What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize