oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
