The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
