Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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