You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
