Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
