I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
