i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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