Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
