Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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