3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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