3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
