her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I want to be your penis for a week.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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