even my farts smell like vagina
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
