He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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