Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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