It was confusing and full of hummus
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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